Archive for March, 2010

March 28, 2010

Can You Forgive Your Man for Cheating?

Cheaters. That’s what has been on my mind for some time now. I know it is too early for me to be thinking about this – I just got married the other day. But I am still thinking about it.

I read on a blog about this girl (unfortunately I can’t remember the blog, but if you do please drop me a line). Anyway, I read about this girl whose aunt advised her about love. She told her she was not to love her husband too much. This is because men will always cheat, but if she did not love him much, she would not get hurt. Most people who commented on that post were scandalised; few actually tried to appreciate where this aunt was coming from. I think her attitude was purely a defense mechanism.

I am of the opinion that western women give up on their men too easily. The average western woman is willing to walk out of decades of marriage because of a single indiscretion from her husband. And I am not talking of a Tiger Woods sized indiscretion. This attitude is patently different from the normal African or Nigerian attitude.

In Nigeria, most women accept that their men will cheat. It is a given. The thing is how to cope with that cheating. I read somewhere that you do not give up a marriage for an affair. Strangely, I always thought that attitude was that of our mothers and not our generation, but I was quickly put to rights about that.

One of my friends actually told me that as long as the man did not stint on the affection and care (financial and emotional) he was giving her, he was free to do whatever?! This attitude really worries me.

I do not think the right way to behave is to discard a man who has had years and years of faithfulness to his credit, just because he failed once. But I still cannot stomach the ‘men will be men’ attitude. You wouldn’t believe I was talking with someone about this and he said that once you give a man what he wants, he will always come back home; that even if he cheated, he would respect his wife enough to keep it far away from her and will always come back to her. My response to that was, if he is so keen on straying, why bother to come back home? These are no longer the days of Little Bo Peep; there are worse things to bring back home that just tails. If he respected me in the first place, why did he stray?

I asked my husband about it and he was a bit evasive. I wanted to know; if a husband knew that his wife was always forgiving, understanding and accepting, was that not a free pass for him to do whatever he felt like doing? Not surprisingly, he did not have an answer for that.

So I decided to bring the question here. I know we have done a marital bliss post this month but here goes..

How often do you have to forgive your man?

March 25, 2010

Thankful Thursday ~ Celebrating A Life Well Lived

The last thing I feel like doing today is putting up a Thankful Thursday post. Not that I don’t have things to be thankful about, but I have not been feeling very thankful this week.

At the beginning of the week I got news about the death of a really good friend. Actually, he was my dad’s friend but he was also mine. He was like a father to me and took interest in what went on in my life. He was the one I could talk to when my dad was being difficult.

He had been valiantly fighting cancer for a couple of years now. The harrowing thing about cancer was that it actually looked as though he was winning the fight. He would get better for months and then go into remission. I lived in a different country so I did not have to face the daily annihilation of hope like his wife did. Still, my family and I along with so many other children of God across the globe kept a prayer vigil for him. But he still died.

That is what I cannot understand. This man was a child of God; yes I know, children of God pass through sorrow too. But he devoted a great portion of his life to God and ministry. His whole life was one of service to God. If you run a poll of how many lives he touched, the polling agent would be overwhelmed. That was how he was… He was not a perfect man, far from it. But he was a man who inspired love and devotion from those who knew him. How could he just go like that? Barely in his 60s??

I am confused. I know he was not afraid of going, if anything he probably looked forward to it. So despite my heavy heart and teary eyes, I still want to say Thank you to God for a life well lived. I am thankful

  1. For the privilege of knowing such a man
  2. For the impact he had in my life
  3. For the life he lived
  4. For Christ who has made it possible for us to meet again – someday.

March 23, 2010

I’m Not a Very Good Wife

I have been waiting for this installment of The Love Dare and finally, it came through today. We are going through the Love Dare as a group on the Being Mrs V facebook group. If you are on facebook be sure to join us.

Day 6: Love is not irritable… “He who is slow to anger is better than the might, and he who ruls his spirit than he who captures a city.” Proverbs 16:32

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in a loving way instead of with irritation. Acknowledge why u respond like you do and then note ways to change that in yourself,and then toward your man.

What are u working on? How are you able to respond with love instead of irritation? Are you praying thru these things and what is God revealing as you go?

I had been feeling bad most of last night and was still feeling bad this morning. Getting this dare however, just made me feel worse!

Two days ago, my husband broke it to me gently that one of my ‘Uncles’ had passed on. He was not actually a relative, just my dad’s very good friend but he was like a father to me. I fell to pieces. Apparently, my whole family (my parents and brothers) knew but they did not know how to tell me so they told my husband instead. I have only ever felt that deep sense of despair once, when I lost my cousin.

My husband panicked. I don’t think he had ever seen me that way before; I was a mess. By the next day, I had managed to get a hold on my emotions. By the time he got back home in the evening, I could even smile and laugh at his jokes. But by night time, I was losing it again. He kept asking me what was wrong and I did not want to talk.

I went into the kitchen to do the dishes or anything … I just wanted to keep busy. But like any good husband, he came after me wanting to know what was wrong. And then I snapped. I started sobbing and asking him what he thought was wrong. I turned on him completely. I did not yell but I was nasty. And what was worse? He took it quietly. He gently led me to the living room and decided to give me some space. He went to do the dishes instead.

Even though I was still hurting inside, I felt terrible. It was not his fault that I got bad news. Life was not fair and bad things happened to good people. That did not mean I needed to turn against the only person (except God) who could comfort me at this time.

So I went back to the Kitchen and hugged him and told him I was sorry. He was not upset, funny. He just understood that I was hurting. Still, I’m not feeling very good with myself right now even though we were alright by the time we went to bed last night and he woke me up this morning singing in my ear (he’s a morning person; I’m so NOT).

I can say that I spectacularly failed this dare. I was presented with circumstances that were far from pleasant and I responded in the same way. Instead of patiently explaining to my husband that I was still cut up from the news I’d heard the day before and letting him comfort me, I snapped at him.

The Lesson? I need to learn how to patiently explain what I feel. I tend to expect him to just know. . . but he is not psychic and men are not always as emotionally intuitive as women. So next time, I just need to take a deep breath and let him know how I feel. That should not be too hard. Right? *sigh*

March 22, 2010

My New Look

Well, not mine per se but this blog’s. I am testing out a new look for my blog. I don’t know how it fits.

I would appreciate your opinion on that. What do you think of new look? Should I keep it or does it go?

March 21, 2010

Practicing the Art of Listening

I am practicing listening. It is part of the Husband Encouragement Challenge. I am generally a good listener, except

courtesy: stock Photos

when it comes to the man I married. This is because I’m not much of a talker. I would rather listen to people than talk about myself. Dh is one of the few people I really want to talk to and I just find myself jabbering and yammering where he’s concerned. He’s patient and listens to me.

He complained yesterday that he was the one doing all the talking and I was too quiet. I told him I was practicing listening. He found it amusing. I don’t blame him. I am a talkative. But it’s only my family and close friends that get to see that side of me.

Anyway, this is not a completely altruistic gesture; I’m also doing this for me. There’s a verse of Scripture which actually tells us to listen more.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (James 1:19 – NLT)

I believe the world would be a better place if we all practiced this.

Husband Encouragement Challenge – DAY 9
We are often so busy speaking that we don’t take time to listen. We are so quick to offer a comment – negative or positive – that we don’t really “hear” our husband’s heart.
Remember: we have two ears and only one mouth. We need to listen more!
As you continue in your 30-day challenge, not speaking negatively and focusing on positive encouragement, hear the Lord’s admonition today: “Be swift to hear.” If listening is a real problem for you, play a game with yourself. See if you can listen to your husband for one whole day, only speaking when asked a question. If your husband notices the difference, explain that you are learning to listen more-not only to God, but also to him.
One easy way to express admiration for your husband is to ask a question about something he enjoys, and then listen to his response. If it’s an area of personal familiarity, keep asking questions until you learn something you didn’t know, then tell him, “Wow, I didn’t know that!”

Here’s a video about listening…hope you enjoy the tips on being a good listener.

March 20, 2010

Please Pray for My Friend

I got a mail today from my friend in Nigeria. She was hospitalized. What is worse, the Doctors can’t seem to find anything wrong with her. That should be good news right?

She said she had a boil on her knee that got really painful but she kept trying to ignore it. Then at work, she banged it against a desk and the pain was so intense she was taken to the hospital. While waiting at the Doctor’s reception, she grew dizzy and fainted. Later she was told that she went into a seizure.

She has done and ECG and other scans but nothing seems out of place. She now has to do a brain scan. There is no history of this kind of stuff in her medical history or even in her family’s. She’s scared and so am I.

Please say a prayer for her. We believe it is nothing, just the devil playing his usual tricks. We are holding onto God for a clean bill of health.