I grew up thinking that God has one perfect partner made for each of his children…don’t ask me where I got that idea from. Then again, I think it’s from my parents – at least my mum still thinks so. I’m a bit more cynical I suppose. I do not honestly believe that God will hinge his plans for my life on one human shoulder, especially knowing how unreliable the species can be. Still, I’ve always believed that he had a husband for me whoever it turned out to be.
What if there is no husband out there? My dad told me two things while I was growing up:
- Not everyone was created by God for marriage; some were meant to be celibate and he cited the Apostle Paul in the Bible as an example.
- However, if you were meant to be celibate, by the time you got through adolescence, you’d know.
I was definitely not meant to be celibate and no apologies!
I know there are many who feel like I do and it could get really frustrating when you just know you were not meant to be celibate but that spouse just wouldn’t show up. Anyway, I read this article by Rob Eager on TheLife.com and I’ll share part of it here.
Jennifer was a disgruntled, single woman at my church. She was thirty-six years old and complained that her life was slipping away. Six years had passed since her last boyfriend, and her dating life remained in limbo. Jennifer wondered whether her heart still had the capacity to love. Beneath her jaded disposition festered an undercurrent of resentment toward God
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After attending church regularly for over two years, she suddenly disappeared. Three months later, I bumped into her at a restaurant and asked her whether she had moved to another church. She replied, “No, I’ve quit church altogether. I just can’t bring myself to worship a God who would leave me in such loneliness.” Jennifer concluded that if she was ever going to let God back into her life, He’d better bring her a husband—and fast.
Does God promise us a spouse? The Bible says “yes” by describing Christians as the spiritual bride of Christ. Our true spouse is Jesus. Yet, many of us say, “I’m glad to be spiritually married to Christ, but I can’t feel Him. Wouldn’t it be better if I could enjoy God’s love with someone else? I want Jesus with skin on.” So, we pray for God to bring us an earthly mate.
The gripe for love
My search for a spouse turned into a cycle of frustration as I encountered numerous relational struggles and a wife who abandoned me six months into our marriage. I started to wonder if God actually cared about my romantic relationships. Whenever I felt particularly upset about being single, I would sit in my den recliner and gripe to God about the injustice of my social life. Knowing He possessed omnipotent power made it seem logical to expect a wife from Him.
Whenever I demanded that God rush me a spouse, however, He seemed to whisper this question in my heart, “Rob, is the love of Jesus Christ enough for you? Have you allowed My complete forgiveness and unconditional acceptance to satisfy your heart?”
In tears of resignation, I conceded, “I appreciate Your love, Lord, but all I really want is a wife.” I still believed that my heart needed the affection of a person in order to feel complete. In essence, I valued human love more than God’s love.
One day, I began to look back over my life and the numerous dead-end relationships from my past. In each situation, romance had started out with a bang but fizzled under the weight of performance-based love. No matter who I met, either I was too demanding or she couldn’t accept me for who I was.
Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I thought, “Why am I chasing marriage when it cannot provide the unconditional love that my heart craves? Only Christ offers everything I need.” With this new perspective, I relinquished to God my demand to get married. I still wanted to find a spouse someday, but I no longer considered marriage necessary to complete my life. If I remained single for the rest of my life, that was okay—God promised to fulfill my heart.
When we demand that God bring us a mate, we block His love from enhancing our social life. The anger that we harbor builds a wall between us and Him. If we are honest with ourselves, we realize that our demand for marriage is a refusal of God’s love because we want our selfish desires met. God will never stop loving us, but we ignore Him when we desperately seek a human being to make us happy. Furthermore, whatever we depend upon for our happiness will wind up controlling us. If we believe that we need a human spouse to be satisfied, then people, rather than God, will dictate our lives.
God is in control of everything, but He does not intervene just to make our lives easy. He had no intention of making a woman magically appear and fall in love with me. Instead, God wanted to use His power to mature me into someone who would initiate sacrificial love towards other people. I wanted to get love, while God was teaching me to give love.
You’ll have to read the rest of it here.
the reservoir 
wow. That is some hard stuff to chew on. I remember coming to the place in life as a single young man, where I threw up my hands in complete desperation about this area of life-cried out from the depths of my soul…and God in his mysterious ways did answer this very prayer, not two weeks later…when I “accidently” bumped into my wife as she waited on us @ a pizza place.
I am reminded of God’s words about Adam in Genesis where he said, “It is not good that man should be alone.” so if you have the gift of singleness, more power to you…I’m with you however, I definitely had what I would describe as a “nesting urge”/ the desire to settle down and make a home at a very young age.
I also know if you were married to someone with whom you had strife and turmoil all the time, then it would be a form of hell on earth….and singleness would look very good in comparison. I don’t think there is just one person for us that we have to find. I think it is possible to cultivate a healthy marriage relationship based on respect and friendship…@ the same time, having been married for 30 yrs now, I also see it’s not the big issues that can sink your boat, as much as the little day today rubs.
great post and article. personally, i don’t believe there’s only one exact person but moreso a spirit that is just right for each person. the thing is more than one person may have a part of that spirit that connects with you so in the meantime, i always stress the importance of learning about yourself, taking private time to meditate and live your life. and then at a certain point, your positive energy will attract that spirit that your soul has been longing for.
i know it’s much easier said than done, but i believe that’s what God wants. love this line: “Instead, God wanted to use His power to mature me into someone who would initiate sacrificial love towards other people.”
I agree this is hard to chew on. You know I was raised a Christian and turned away from God for a short time through high school because I felt like I was a hypocrite because I was partying so much. I ended up coming back to my faith and after I did I realized that I had never really turned away from God but that I was just confronted with the bad decisions that I had been making and my turn away from him was due to my own shame.
Life has never been easy for me emotionally, my brother died in the past few years along with 6 more people in my life that I was very close to and all in all my 20’s have been the most testing time in my life thus far. My relationship with God has actually become much closer in these tuff times. God has been the only thing that has kept me going and I talk to him on a daily basis- usually many times a day.
The man I lost my virginity too, my first love has recently come back into my life after not seeing him for 4 years. We have known eachother for about 9 years now and he was my first love and relationship when I was 18. I feel like when we came together back then we were meant to be but the timing just so off. After we were together we agreed to part due to us both moving far away from eachother and at that point in life we never thought that we’d be in the same place again geographically speaking. We always remained good friends and eventually we both ended up back in our home town but he had a lot of stuff to work through in his life so we never reunited in a relationship sense but always remained good friends. He joined the military after asking me if I approved and even though I didn’t want him to leave I couldn’t be selfish and I knew hat it was something that he would excel at so I told him to go.
We wrote at first and then there was a period of 8 months where I didn’t hear from him. I then recieved a phone message from him before he jumped out of a plane for the first time because he wanted me to know that he loved me and always had just incase something happened. My heart was so happy, but then in the end of the message he said he had met someone and he was getting married.
He came into town and told me about her, I bit my tongue from saying any dissaproval because we were friends and I knew he’d fallen in love with her. 4 years past and he has just come back into my life. His wife was unfaithful to him and is in the process of leaving him for another man. I have been praying for his heart and mental health because even though he is an Army Ranger he really is a very sensitive person and right now is emotionally crushed.
When he came back into town recently he told me the words we had never actually said face to face. I love you. Now I am so confused and I don’t know what to do. Do I wait for him? Do I move on with my life like I always have?
I have shortly dated 22 people in my life and never furthered any relationships past dating for 3 mo because I never felt like any of those people were right for me or I wass right for them. Now my first love is available on paper but I know he is still getting over his ex-wife and I’m not sure what god wants me to do. I am so confused and this is so hard and I’ve been praing for God to help me be patient and to help me be the friend that I know Steve needs right now… but I am just so lost.
I jus don’t know what God wants me to do and at the same time I feel like Steve was my soul mate when I first met him… the timing has just always been off. I don’t see right now how there could ever be anyone else for me, I have dated and tried to put myself out there but no one has ever compared to this man and I’m just so lost right now… and praying is hard because I feel like I need an answer… and I don’t know if that’s just me being selfish.
Very interesting conversation following this post. What happens when you marry the one you love, and 30 years later he decides he doesn’t want to serve the Lord or YOU any longer? You learn to either be bitter, or to get as close to God as you can.
There are so many Christians who are hurting from relationship failures, and I feel compelled to minister to them. So I write an additional blog called “Christian Help for Women – Godwoman” (godwoman(dot)blogspot(dot)com. Thankfully, I have the experience and the education to write a column for hurting people – yes, men, too! If you would like to contribute, please write to me (email’s on both my sites).
It always thrills me to find brothers and sisters in the Lord online! Nothing like spiritual family, is there?
(Thanks for your comment, Sharon, and for adding me to your sidebar.)
I even did not say better .. really valuable information, which certainly will help many:)
I was typing out a whole bunch of reasons why I was angry that I haven’t found a husband yet, and God ministered to my heart, and reminded me that I have hopes and dreams that will take me away from the present city that I’m living in, and that if God provides the guy for me right now, I would either limit myself in life, or break his heart by leaving. Thank you God for the message.
You hit the nail on the head. Excellent post!
Great post! Great words. Thank you for writing this!