A Story About Motivation by Peter Bregman

Delance the chic watch makers twitted this article yesterday and I found a read that made my day.

The article was written by Peter Bregman for the Harvard Business Review. Peter Bregman is the CEO of Bregman Partners, Inc. a global management consulting firm and his focus is on leadership. This article was on motivation.

He told the story of how he and four others stopped in the pouring rain of New York City, to help a man with a disability board the special bus. The driver of the bus, who was paid to help, sat in the bus and watched as the five of them struggled to help the man unto the bus. He was not prepared to go the extra mile.

He goes on to examine the motivation that drives people to go the extra mile. He wrote:

People tend to think of themselves as stories. When you interact with someone, you’re playing a role in her story. And whatever you do, or whatever she does, or whatever you want her to do, needs to fit into that story in some satisfying way.

The article made me think and I started to ask questions of myself about my own personal story. It also made me want to ask all those who read this:

• what story are you telling people?
• Is that the story you really want to tell them?
• How can you make sure that the story people read is what you want to tell?

Read the article here. It is fast paced and I was at the end before I even realised it.

A Lovely Quote About the Past

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.
~Author Unknown

(Source: Quote Garden)

Practicing Hospitality

Life is like a chain, with each deed linking up to another and surfacing somewhere else. The phone call I got made me think…How many times do we act or speak without any thought of the possible consequences of our thoughts and words? When we rudely push someone at a crowded bus stop, or we dump our emotional garbage on our loved ones by speaking harshly to them. . . when there is a guest and we serve them grumbling. . . you never know what is around the corner.

Growing up, our home was always so filled with people that in my childish mind, I decided that when I grew up, I would place a huge sign in front of my house saying Visitors Not Allowed. It was not just that there were always people, it was that some of these had to be waited on hand and foot with a cheerful smile on my face when I was feeling anything but cheerful. Some of these people stayed a day, some a year. But my mum always made sure they felt at home. Sometimes we had children of other missionaries living with us and my mum made sure they were treated no differently than we were. If she could not afford for a treat to go round everyone, that was it. No treat.

Hospitality in our home was not an option, it was mandatory. I hated it at first – having to give up my room for guests and all that. But you know what I did not know? I did not know that I was forming a chain that was going to link up someday. I have experienced extraordinary hospitality in my life in so many ways. And I know that it is those earlier seeds I planted, albeit unwillingly.

One prime example was my trip to Malaysia. A family I had made friends with when I was in the country years ago (and stayed in touch with for one reason or the other), made the first few weeks really pleasant. Even though they were not themselves in the country at the time I arrived, they made sure I had a pick up from the airport; made their ministry guest house available for me; got me a cellphone and just generally made sure I was comfortable. Though they were vacationing  a continent away, I still felt the warmth of their hospitality.

Now, I realise that for a lot of folks you may not have the sort of jamboree in your home that I had while growing up. Dictionary.Com defines Hospitality as –

1.	the friendly reception and treatment of guests or strangers.

2.	the quality or disposition of receiving and treating guests and strangers in a warm, friendly, generous way.

And has as it’s synomyms

• warmth
• cordiality
• geniality
• friendliness

In other words, hospitality is how you treat people, either guests or strangers. It could be as simple as

1. A warm hug to a newcomer to your church
2. Buying a cup of coffee for that homeless person and staying awhile to chat
3. Allowing the neighbours’ kids to play in your yard
4. A listening ear

There are so many ways to be friendly and show warmth. Remember, for Christians, this is not something you may choose to practice or not practice; it is a mandate.

Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it! (Hebrews 13:2)

A Call That Made My Day

I got a call today from a young girl. Not so young anymore because she is already at university. She said she got my number from my mum and just wanted to tell me ‘thank you’.

I once mentioned that my mum ran an MK (Missionary Kids’) school. While I was at home, I started a mentoring programme, sort of, for the girls in their final years. I don’t know, it is not that I wanted to teach them or anything like that, but I had experienced life on the university campus and I wanted a forum where they could be free to ask questions about anything from sex to studies. I started that for a reason.

The school has a tradition of organising a 3-day retreat for the graduating class. This was held three days before graduation, away from the school premises. I was usually one of the facilitators. Each graduating set was different. Some genuinely wanted to learn and asked relevant questions; some felt, in the way of most teenagers, that there was nothing they could be taught about life; others yet, were just plain not interested. This particular girl belonged to the last group. We tried to get them to ask questions but they were all mute. Ok. So did they not have fears and apprehensions about university life and all that? Nothing. After observing for a while, I requested that their Principal (my mum) and the rest of the faculty members be absent from further sessions. They did not like it, but they went with it. My friend was spending the vacation with me then so I asked her to join us.

She, at least, had lived what they like to term life. While a freshman and even a sophomore, she had been a wild party girl, so she was not tripped by anything. I had lived my own life but not so anyone would notice. I had a way of catching my fun and having my escapades in private; only my real friends numbered 2 ever knew what I was up to. But I digress.

Back to these kids; we took another tack. Instead of waiting for them to ask questions, we began to talk. I distinctly remember telling them to use protection if they were going to have sex. I explained to them why it was better to wait before having sex, but I also acknowledged the fact that for some, what I was saying was going in one ear and out the other and so for these ones, because of the prevalence of the HIV/AIDS virus out there, they should please, please use protection. (I tormented myself later on about whether I had done the right thing. If my mum had heard she would have had an apoplexy…still, I don’t think I would do it any other way).

Well, this evening I got a call from one of those silent kids. She said our talk really helped her. That she did not believe how real what we (my friend and I) were saying was until she got to campus and everything just came back. She remembered so much of what we’d said that day. That was three or four years ago.

I can’t believe how humbled I feel. It is amazing to hear stuff like that especially when you do not feel as though you are making a difference. It made my day. I can only hope that it was not the talk on sex that she found so useful. . .

Thankful Thursday – My Duvet

This month, Thankful Thursday is being hosted by Iris and her topic was Daily Blessings. It’s funny because as I was planning my TT post in my head, what I was really thankful for was my new duvet.

See, when I left my country, I left with only one suitcase and there’s just so much one can pack in one suitcase. This was a bit hard for me because I was coming to set up house and I had nothing to set up house with. It was like I was starting afresh. . . well, I guess I was starting afresh.

So I moved into my new apartment, which is cozy by the way and proceeded to settle down gradually. Only problem was I was not sleeping well. Malaysia is hot. Maybe not as hot as some parts of Nigeria but I did not live in those parts. So anyway, I sleep with the air-conditioning. But because I had no duvet, I’d wake up in the middle of the night shivering and switch off the ac. Or increase the temperature. Then after a few hours, I’d have to wake up to switch it back on or decrease the temperature again. Needless to say, it made for a very unsound sleep.

Well, just last week my brother bought me a lovely maroon duvet – makes my room feel so valentine-ish. Each morning when I wake up, there’s a smile on my face and I murmur thank you Lord for my duvet. It has made a lot of difference to my sleeping and this Thursday, it is one ‘daily blessing’ I am especially thankful for. And of course, I am thankful for my brother. This is one of the times when family ties are just what a girl needs.

He spread out a cloud as a covering,
and a fire to give light at night. (Psalm 105:39, NIV)

If you would like to share your thankful heart, join us at Iris‘.

Quotes About Family Ties

I love these quotes on family and since February is the month of ‘ties’ I thought I would share about one of the most important ties in my life. I’ll just post these quotes for now and write about my family late. Maybe.

In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.
~ Alex Haley

In family life, love is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds closer together, and the music that brings harmony.
~ Eva Burrows

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another’s desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.
~ Erma Bombeck

Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible — the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.
~ Virginia Satir:

The most powerful ties are the ones to the people who gave us birth it hardly seems to matter how many years have passed, how many betrayals there may have been, how much misery in the family: We remain connected, even against our wills.
Anthony Brandt

Sources:
Great Inspirational Quotes.com
Think Exist.com

How to Celebrate February 14 Every Day of the Year

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I am newly married so I’m not sure I should even be writing this list. It’s just that even at a few months old, we have some rituals that work for us and maybe if I document them here, when I start to feel that the symphony is jarring, I can come back to recapture some of the stuff we used to do.

This is the topic over at Marriage Monday “How to Celebrate February 14 Every Day of the Year”. Too often we tend to take our loved ones, especially the one we are married to for granted 364 days a year (if it is not a leap year) and only remember to say ‘I love You’ one day – the 14th.

Marriage should be the love affair of a lifetime. Yes, I know what you are thinking… you’re probably saying to yourself don’t worry dear, you are still at that stage; it will wear off. And maybe you are right. But I choose to not let my love wear off. I know it is not going to be easy; I know there will probably be times I will look at my husband and wonder what defect of the brain made me think I could live with him. But that is okay. Through the grace of God, the love we have for each other will overcome all that. I know that because I watched my parents work at what they have and it is beautiful to behold. It is usually in the little things.

There are some little things we do that make us feel like we a living a year of February 14s and I will list some of them below. If you have some rituals of yours, which make your marriage ’sing like a well-tuned violin’ then be sure to join the rest of us here.

• Talk: We do that a lot. We take out time each evening to just talk and catch up on our day. While we were dating, we made an agreement to be honest about our feelings and thoughts to each other and it was liberating. There is something about talking to someone you know will not judge you – even if that person disagrees with what you are saying or even tries to correct you. You know this person loves you and has your back. Even though right now we are at opposite ends of the world, we still look forward to our daily talks together. It is lovely because as his day is ending, mine is just beginning.

• Holding Hands: We do quite a lot of that.
  

  courtesy: www.sxc.hu

  Or rather he does. I am not really one for holding hands, it does not usually occur to me. But when we are strolling, or in a group with people, or anywhere, dh has this way of just reaching for my hands that makes me feel special.

• Text Messages: This one is my forte. During the day I send him little text messages telling how much I love him. If he is around me somewhere, I send notes via bluetooth. He does not say much, but I know he loves them because he noticed when I did not send any.

• Snuggle: This is usually at the weekends; Saturday or Sunday before Church. We snuggle under the bed covers and dream and plan. It makes me feel like I’m part of something good.

• Dance/Walk: Yes, we both love to dance and to walk. Well, he loves to walk and I love to stroll. The dancing is mostly spontaneous; he walks in the door and something nice is playing and he pulls me to my feet and we do a few steps. It’s lovely, it’s romantic. Not the dancing per se, but having something we can both enjoy.

• Be Involved: Now I have discovered that this is very important. I have this way of getting ‘occupied’ with my world that does not involve my husband – novels, crocheting and internet (especially blogging). But he does not let that deter him, he involves himself. When I’m reading a novel he wants to know what it’s about and share a joke with me when I laugh. He know all my friends even my blogging friends and made friends with most of them. He reads my blog and lets me know what he thinks and is interested when I am crocheting. He hasn’t asked to learn yet though. In return, I am very involved in his life. When he is writing something for work, I help in editing… Basically, we try not to alienate the other with our activities. It takes work but I am up for it.

• Words of Affirmation: Well, that’s what it’s called but I prefer the term encouragement. He likes to tell me when he loves something I do and I never fail to let him know that I’m proud of him. This is not optional, the Bible commands it!

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up,

just as in fact you are doing.”

(1 Thessalonians 5:11)

So that’s it. A short list, I know… but we have several years yet to build on it. If you have any to add, please leave a comment or better yet do up your own list on your blog and hook up to Marriage Monday.

God bless!

Knotting Ties – Learning to Crochet

I have decided to take up crocheting again. More like I’ve decided to learn it all over again. I have a lot of time on my hands and I do not feel comfortable spending it all on the internet. I love to work with my hands, I even took up sewing once but I left my sewing machine at home. Since I came to Malaysia I have been looking for one craft or the other to take up; what I really wanted to do was jewelry making – and I still will. One day. But search though I would, I could not find any jewelry making class in the area where I live. So I got down on my knees this morning and asked God for something to do and it came to me like an epiphany – crochet!

My first patterned project!

I have been crocheting all my life. I love it because it does not take ages like knitting. The only problem is that I never learned to read the patterns. Yes, BIG problem. So I’ve been online since morning educating myself. I even downloaded some free patterns to try. I think I’ll start with this, the Travel Tissue Cover. I got it from Maggie Weldon’s site. I will definitely be visiting there more often, if this one goes well. I am not very good at sticking to things till the bitter end but I’ll at least give this a try and I am determined to get it right; even if it’s not the first time.

As soon as I’ve had something to eat, I’m going out to a craft shop (I’ve done my research already), I’ll buy my supplies and get to work. I’ll let you know how it goes and if the finished product is something I can be proud of, I’ll put up a picture here on the blog. How’s that?

So my ‘ties‘ for today are more of the yarn type. Who would have thought?

Ties That Bind – NaBloPoMo

February at NaBloPoMo.com is the month of ties. No, not those uncomfortable contraptions men slap around their necks… at least I don’t think it’s those. More like the ties that surround us as people: ties to other people, ties to places, ties to the supernatural… that kind of thing. Of course if anyone decides to blog about the neck ties, I don’t think it would be disallowed.

TIES. This theme is really apt for me because I have had to cut some old ties, make new ones and stretch others still. Yet one of the most important ties I have made has been with my husband. So it is quite appropriate in February, the ‘month of love’  to be blogging about ties.

In the same vein, tomorrow is Marriage Monday. I have always wanted to participate in this meme but it’s for married folks. Well guess what? I’m one of ‘em now…lol. This month, it’s going to have the romance factor (naturally). As e-mom writes:

This month, your challenge is to share how you and your husband make each and every day of your marriage special. What are your daily relationship rituals? How do you nurture the “us” factor? Tell us the big or little things that make your marriage sing like a fine-tuned violin. A few examples:

• • • Casual chats
    • Kissing
    • Private jokes
    • Rehearsed phrases
    • Body language
    • Shared activities
    • Favorite foods
    • Division of chores
    • Intimacy signals

Your entry doesn’t need to be fancy, clever, or very long. Just speak from your heart.

So that’s it! When you are done, go back to e-mom’s and leave a link to your post so the rest of us may come visit.

Marital Bliss #1 – Compromise

Mid 2009, I put up a couple of posts about what I termed ‘marital bliss’. These were issues which confronted me as I got ready for marriage. Now that I have been married some months, I went back to the posts to read some of them and discovered that they are still very relevant, not least because of the comments which accompanied the posts. Therefore I am going to re-post them here with the comments. I think I’ll post them monthly and when I exhaust the already published posts, I’ll ask new questions. Feel free to leave your thoughts below.

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How far backwards do I have to bend over to make my relationship work?

I’m asking this question because I am beginning to see that my views on marriage are very different from those of the people around me. I still do not think that there is anything wrong with the way I see a marriage (as a partnership), but then, as I am getting so close to that state myself, I have decided to open my mind and learn.

I had a run-in with my dad a few days ago. See, I love to look nice. I love make up and french manicures. Sure they are expensive but I really do not see anything wrong with them. My dad however, comes from the old school of Christianity; the puritans in fact. No, he is not a puritan but his views might as well be. He does not believe in make up, manicures (french or otherwise), fashion or anything that calls attention to a person. All well and good for him, I have no problem with that and even respect him for that. But hey, I’m almost 30 years old and I cannot continue to tailor my likes, dislikes, beliefs etc by my father’s preferences. Or so I thought.

He noticed I had a french manicure on and was really distressed. While he did not claim it was sin, he felt that a true Christian was modest in all things and should be as au neturel as possible. While I feel that he only has that view because the early missionaries to Nigeria were mostly puritan and imported AND imposed their views on their converts. If the missionaries had been Jews, would we not all be dressed in the way the early Jews did?

Anyway, I discovered from that conversation that when he met my mum, she used makeup and manicured her nails. She dropped all that for love of him. According to him, she knew what he did not like and did not do it. That got me thinking.

I’ve had confrontations with my fiance over this. I could not understand why he wanted me to tailor my lifestyle to his likes and dislikes;

I didn’t ask him to change anything about him. If he truly loved me, would he not accept me the way I was and maybe, even love me for me? Should the change he  was seeking be demanded or should it be something that flowed naturally out of love?

I really am confused. I don’t think I have to change for any man. Yes, if I love him I most likely would change to please him. But true love should not ask that of the loved one. Yet when I try to share this view, most people look at me like I’m crazy – men and women alike. I was still confident in my belief until I had that conversation with my dad.

What worries me is that if I keep changing to please a man (especially one whose tastes and expectations will change because he is human), will I not lose myself? What happens to the essential me? When do I put a stop to this? Do I take a stand and risk strife or do I keep changing until I change out of all recognition?

That was why I asked:

How far backwards do I have to bend over to make my relationship work?

Comments:

I’ll post just one comment. If you want to read more, check here.

Ok. So I really want to comment on this for you. I think the answer is that you DO honor what your man prefers. But I dont think u do it because he requires it. I think it becomes a natural desire you have to dress (or not dress) in ways that he doesn’t find becoming.

Follow me for a minute and I’ll see if I can clarify a little bit. I live where it is hot. Almost always. And so. I do not like a lot of clothing, nor a lot of make-up. I’m pretty modest by most standards, but i’m also pretty low-key. Make-up is very occasional for me, but my nails? They are always done. Feet too. And hair. Clothes, I dress in jeans, t-shirts, tanks, the occassional skirt or dress and flip-flops. Well. As me and H are getting closer to marriage, I’m finding that my style is changing. My idea of modesty is evolving. And I find also that the things I didn’t desire to do before, regarding being a bit more pulled together, I want to do more now. Not because he wants it, per se, but just because I like how it feels to know he looks at me and sees what he finds appealing in his woman. For me that has meant a couple of things: I don’t wear tank tops often anymore, unless I know I’ll be with him – because he likes them, but wants them for himself. Nothing he’s said, just something I’ve come to realize. Nor do I wear a lot of make-up or large pieces of jewelry – because for him it’s all makeup and he doesn’t like the idea of me wearing it if he’s not with me. Sounds silly, but he’s said it. And I took it to heart. Because it isn’t about losing myself; it really is about his desire that I treat my beauty as a special gift FOR HIM. I DO wear clothes that are more fitted these days, so that I am more feminine in my appearance, which in general is pleasing to H.

Specifically to hair and nails, he expects hands and feet to be be done. He doesn’t complain if they don’t look unkept, but he likes them manicured at least. My hair: it’s natural. He doesn’t like it. He also doesn’t force his desire. The compromise is that I OFFER to wear it the way he likes to see it. And that means pressing. And because I give that much consideration, when I ask if he minds braids, usually he says ‘that’s cool’ and it works for us both. He likes the different look and I like not having to be bothered w/high maintenance styling, etc.

Mind you, he hasn’t really ASKED for any of this. I’ve done it out of the desire God has given me to be pleasing to H.

Which leads to my next thought. All of htis can very easily be see as losing yourself or being controlled or any number of other negative things… BUT it isn’t, and doesn’t even have to feel that way. You aren’t losing yourself, as much as you are discovering another facet of yourself that was hidden until the right time…

There is real truth in that what is modest for a single woman is not modest for a married (or almost married) woman. The standard shifts a bit because your position changes. Letting go of some of the freedoms of singleness opens the door to enjoy the richness of a oneness in marriage.

Slowly but surely, and little by little, you and your husband will find that balance that works for you both. Don’t be afraid of it.Be willin to embrace it. I was where you are now, and I felt the same way at first, but as I have gotten past my fear and allowed myself to embrace the beginnings of a new role, I’m finding that we are richer for it. He’s evolving too. And it’s a good thing that’s happening between us.

As to the Daddy thing: one of the hardest things in the world for a father is to let go of his daughter and to recognize that she is giving another man first place. The idea that his likes & dislikes take a backseat to her man’s is a hard pill to swallow. My dad has had a hard time w/that. It’s ok. Because it’s love. And fathers love fiercly. Give him some grace. Just let him make it, and know that you are honoring him by learning how to honor the man God has called to be your husband.

One other thought: the nature of your relationship should be a catalyst for you both to grow and become better – because you want to give your best to eachother – whatever that better may look like.

Relationships should not be an ‘if you do this, then I will accept you’ sort of thing. They mirror God’s heart for us. He doesn’t force. He loves. The change comes from His loving pursuit of us, not from Him INSISTING on something different. The more we grow in love, the more we DESIRE to please Him. Marriage should have that same sort of ebb & flow…

~ Posted by Rosheeda