I can’t explain it, I feel as though I’m losing touch with my faith. No, I still believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and I’m a born-again Christian. But I’m finding it hard to connect with God. Yeah I pray, and read my Bible. But I have felt loneliness surround me like a shroud, blocking all light and joy from my life. As I tried to explain to my fiance, it is not as though something momentous happened which has fostered this feeling of loneliness. I just don’t seem to be myself. I’m in a situation where I am questioning a lot of my beliefs and re-examining my expectations.
There are milestones in every life. Places you get to and you know a major change has taken place inside of you. Sometimes it is associated with something huge; a tragic loss or a major catastrophe. Other times though, you do not even know when you are passing that milestone until you suddenly realize that you are a great distance from the person you were the week before and you know that you can’t go back to that person no matter how much you want to. Well, I can point almost to the hour, the exact moment when I passed that milestone.
Recently, I became an ‘adult’. Oh I’m almost 28 and most people reach adulthood in their teens. But I still had the lightheartedness of a child, and the mischief too. I never wanted to become an ‘adult’; to get to that place where things are a little grimmer. That point where one is always slightly dissatisfied with her (or his) life. However, I finally crossed the line. I faught valiantly but I had to surrender. I gave up.
I gave up when I discovered that people are never what they say they are or even what you think they are – no matter how long you’ve known them, they go up and do stuff that’s completely out of character. Or is it? That was where I had the difficulty. Then I discovered that people you respect and even honour, people who have added so much value to your life, well, they are not those people you thought they were. It’s all about how thick the smokescreens were…then I began to question those values.
OK. So now I have to ask myself if all I believe about God is as a result of what I came to discover myself or if it’s what these people I’ve modeled part of my life after have led me to believe. That is why I say I have a crisis of faith. I need to sift through and know what belief is mine and which has been handed over either from my home, my peers or my church group.