In View of My Cowardice

I have not been blogging for some days; I’m not sure I’m going to blog for a while. I don’t have the heart to. A few days ago, I disappointed God and I disappointed myself.

On a ‘Missions for Monday‘ post I wrote about a girl named Lola (not her real name but go here to read about her). A few days ago I heard that she was leaving. I went to her and tried to convince her to stay. But she was adamant that she had to leave; someone she trusted had betrayed her trust. I begged her and told her not to give up just because one person hurt her, but she kept sobbing and sobbing. I held her and cried in pain as she sobbed her heart out. I cried because I knew I was a coward.

I could have helped her. I knew exactly what she was going through and all I had to do was tell her my story. She was overcome with guilt and shame and if I had let her know that I had been precisely where she stood, once, maybe it would have lessened her pain and made her feel better. But I did not. I could not. I was not willing to go back and prod a wound that had taken so long to heal. I just couldn’t. I knew that I should have, not just for her but also for me…being able to help her would have brought some sense to all I went through. I would have known that even if I could not honestly have said it was worth it, it would have made a little sense. But I kept mute. I just held her and wept and wept; then I prayed with her and wept some more. It was a heart-breaking experience.

I wish I had the courage to tell her. But it was a story that would have hurt other people if she chose to be indescreet about it. That does not in any way justify my cowardice. I’m not sure I will be blogging for a while.

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8 thoughts on “In View of My Cowardice

  1. as soon as I read your post my mind went to Peter the day of his denial. I won’t pretend to know the mind of God for you Sha, BUT I do remember the love JEsus had for his spunky disciple..and from what you’re telling me on this one, I would suggest it wasn’t just cowardice that kept your mouth shut…but also discernment. Wish you were closer…I would give you a big hug! don’t stop sharing your heart. dm

    ps the Mrs dropped 2 packages in the mail the other day..be looking

  2. I found your blog a few moments ago. Not by chance, however, as I believe God plans all coincidence into his design.

    While reading your blog I was immediately touched by your authenticity and I felt your pain (intensely) through your words and how tenderly you comforted Lola.

    Nothing more need be divulged to feel this, as God can work without full disclosure.

    Please remember that God is a God of grace. The healing moments between you & Lola will remain with her. And God will continue to have a hand in her life and in yours.

    Yes, you may continue to feel the sting from silencing yourself ~ but know that all things will work together for good according to His purpose.

    I am extremely sensitive to this story; although I am in the United States now I lived in Lagos, Nigeria for a number of years.

    It seems I haven’t the words to fully share how strongly I feel God’s spirit through these brief moments reading your blog, but I have experienced similar feelings and know that .

    But know this ~ you and Lola are in my prayers.

    Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you…

    Blessings to you dear one!

    ~j

  3. Dear Sharon,
    My heart aches for you and Lola – loss of trust is so terrible, I don’t think we ever truly get over it.
    Please don’t be so hard on yourself, Sharon.
    Opening up old wounds is not always helpful to you nor to those hurting.
    You were there for Lola, you listened to her, you held her, you prayed with her – what bigger gift could you have given her? You showed her you cared and you showed her love.
    Don’t underestimate our heavenly Father – He knows your heart and your hurt, your motivation and your fears. He probably is not disappointed in you – He most probably wants you to forgive yourself (for being so hard on yourself!!) and to allow Him to hold you close and comfort you.
    Continue praying for Lola – she is in His very capable hands and He knows what plans He has for her. We all grow in understanding of the greatness of God when we are in the valleys and we learn to trust Him more.
    God bless you Sharon with peace – may you feel His love enfolding you.
    Jonie

  4. I stand in agreement with all those who have left comments. Your Father is WELL pleased with you, Sharon. If He had wanted you to speak, the words would have come. I agree that the Holy Spirit was guiding you with discernment, not fear. More people being hurt was the high stakes in this encounter, and you were able to comfort her with God’s love without sharing your own story. Now take comfort in that same love for yourself. The day will come when He will ask you to share, and share you will… For now, rest in His arms.

  5. Hey little sister. Don’t be discouraged. Not every opporunity to share is an opportunity from the Lord. Discernment is a gift and discretion is something we should all exercise more often than not. Be sure that if the Lord has need of you to reveal more to Lola than what you have already given to her, He will show you how and when.

    Even if that opporunity was this past few days ago, know that He knows your heart and your desire to serve Him. He will give the opporutnity to do it differently again. Seems to always work that way. When we miss it, He grows us through it and then let’s us try once more to do it differently.

    He has forgiven you – IF in fact you made a mistake. Now you should forgive you.

    I love you and you can email me if you need. Anytime.

    ((((((((((((Sharon))))))))))))))

  6. Hello Sharon,

    Thank you for your honesty in this post. I know exactly how you feel with this, I believe we all do, because we’ve all most likely been in those situations where we knew what we should have done, but didn’t do it for whatever reason.

    The thing is you are forgiven. Everything that happens needs to happen. So from this you will grow and learn and inspire others like you already have. Then the next time, you will have the knowledge of the past experience to maybe make a different choice. But you can’t beat yourself up over. It’s all part of your growth process and her leaving was just her path.

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